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A Conversation with a Heavenly Service Representative

Wednesday, 15 June 2022 - 4 minutes to read

Customer Service Agent: Welcome to God's Help Line, how may I be of assistance?

Human Being: Oh, please help me, my life is in such a distress lately and I don't know what to do; and ever since my mother passed away two years ago I can't seem to...

CSA: I'm sorry to hear about that, Sir, may I please have your Citizenship ID?

HB: My what?

CSA: Oh, I'm sorry, are you a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven?

HB: I don't think so...

CSA: Sir, I apologize for this, but the services of the Kingdom of Heaven are only available to citizens of the Kingdom. Would you like to fill out a citizenship application?

HB: What is that?

CSA: A citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven is free for anyone who wishes to apply, giving you all the resources and services of His Majesty's government.

HB: Well... that sounds good I suppose...

CSA: Yes, Sir. There are only two requirements: you must revoke any previous citizenship you have in any other kingdom, any other allegience, or titles of nobility; and you have to surrender the control of your life.

HB: Well, that's a pretty big ask! Giving up my life like that?

CSA: Oh no, Sir! We're not asking you to give up your life. We're merely asking you to surrender the control of your life.

HB: What does that mean?

CSA: Well, mankind has proven quite incapable of building a Heaven for themselves - the history of mankind is replete with failed attempts of doing so; all on account of the Tree of Knowledge, Sir - the fruit of good and evil.

HB: I remember that story. From the Bible, right?

CSA: Quite so, Sir. Man's actions inevitably bring about both good and evil, and therefore any attempt at building a Heaven is, unfortunately, doomed to failure. For this reason, we're asking this very simple requirement, that if you're about to do something, and our King tells you "no", you need to not do that. Or in some rare circumstances, His Majesty may ask you to do something, and we'd much appreciate if you went ahead and did that.

HB: So... basically you're talking about a dictatorship?

CSA: We don't quite see it that way, Sir. You remain fully free to continue living your life, but the direction you're heading in will need to be altered. People frequently get themselves into situations they are unable to get away from, necessitating the services of this help line; but at the same time are unwilling to make permanent course adjustments to their life to stay out of those things - not just temporarily, but permanently. Hence, we have to ask that you surrender the control of your life, where that is needed.

HB: You just want to create mindless drones serving the whims of a dictator!

CSA: Well, I'm sorry you see it that way, Sir. It is the Kingdom of Heaven, and it is quite heavenly. Would you like to become a citizen?

HB: But I thought God was like the God of the universe or something? Why can't he help me without this "citizenship"?

CSA: Ah, you are quite correct, Sir; His Majesty the King created the Heavens and the Earth, so legally he is the owner of the world as you know it. On that note, I'm afraid that you have been illegally occupying a small part of Earth for the last ... 47 years, and while the rights of ownership have not yet been enforced, I would advise you that you may need to vacate the territory before long.

HB: What? I've been living on Earth all my life! There's nowhere else to go!

CSA: I'm sorry to hear that, Sir, but you are, in fact, living illegally in the territory of His Majesty's Kingdom, and while this is not yet enforced, it will be at some point. Would you like to become a citizen?

HB: Well, I'm not leaving without a fight, for sure!

CSA: Ah, yes, I take it that you're referring to the "Armageddon", as you call it; in our language "Har Megiddo" or, in other words, Mount Megiddo in northern Israel, Sir, where the armies of the Earth will gather together in not too long a future, and fight His Majesty as he returns to Earth; and I'm afraid he will slay them, on account of him being omnipotent, as it were.

HB: So I have no choice then?

CSA: I'm afraid not, Sir. Would you like to become a citizen?

HB: No.

CSA: I'm sorry to hear that, Sir, and I wish you the best of luck with your life and your circumstances, and once again I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Please remember that while any application of citizenship remains free; if not used, to permanently vacate the Earth no later than...

HB: *click*


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